I Blame the Muffin
by Magical Moo
Summary: It was the muffin. All of this was the muffin’s fault, I decided. If it hadn’t been for that wretched, evildoing bread product, I wouldn’t be in such an incredibly... compromising situation right now.
1. Lily's Gone Mad

Author's Notes: So, originally this was going to be a one-shot, but I got really impatient, so I typed up roughly a third of what I have so far and decided to post it :) So it'll probably end up being a three chapter fic (this chapter will most likely be the shortest of them). Anyway, I hope you like it! I had a lot of fun writing it, especially this first chapter.

Disclaimer: Once upon a time, there was a girl who liked to write Lily/James fan fictions involving muffins. This girl's name was not J.K. Rowling. (Three guesses who the girl is.)

* * *

**I Blame the Muffin  
Chapter One: Lily's Gone Mad**

It was the muffin. All of this was the muffin's fault, I decided. If it hadn't been for that wretched, evil-doing bread product, I wouldn't be in such an incredibly… _compromising_ situation right now. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me take you back to when all of this insanity began…

"Evans, d'you want the last muffin?" Potter asked. He and his minions had sat across from me – without my consent, of course – at breakfast this morning.

"No, Potter," I replied coolly.

"Are you _sure_?" he asked, almost… _pleadingly_? "These muffins are really good. The house elves put extra effort into them this morning; they told us when we wer—" Black elbowed Potter, shooting him a death glare.

"I said _no_, Potter."

"Evans. If you don't take this muffin, I'm going to take that to mean that you're _madly_ in love with me, and be sure the entire school knows by breakfast tomorrow."

"That makes _absolutely_ no sense," I scoff, but take the muffin anyway, placing it down roughly next to my plate.

"You've got _eat_ it, Evans, if you want me to keep my mouth shut." Black sniggered.

Sighing, I took a bite out of the muffin. What could go wrong?

A lot, my friend, let me tell you. A lot.

"Keep going…" Potter said, becoming more excited with each bite that I took.

At last, when I had finished the stupid muffin, Potter looked like he was going to wet himself with glee.

"Potter, stop grinning like that. You look like Pettigrew," I snapped icily, standing up. I smoothed out my robes, slung my bag over my shoulder, and stormed out of the Great Hall without a backwards glance.

By now you must be thinking: _So she ate a muffin that Potter gave her. Who cares?_ Well, you clearly don't know what kind of muffin it was. Good? Bad? Poisoned? Delicious?

Well, it wasn't poisoned, I will confirm, but pretty darn close.

* * *

Five minutes later, when I'd reached the dormitory, the rest of my roommates were still sleeping soundly, unaware that I had already dressed, eaten breakfast, and made quite possibly the biggest mistake of my life thus far.

I threw the shades of the large window, successfully waking up those who hadn't drawn their drapes closed.

"Lily? What on _earth_ are you doing?" asked Catherine groggily, sitting up in her bead and rubbing her eyes. "It's eight o'clock in the morning on a _Saturday_ for goodness sake!"

"_Carpe diem_, Catherine," I replied with a grin.

I plopped down on my neatly-made bed. Less than a minute later, my thoughts had shifted, quite involuntarily, to Potter. How charming he is, how smart, handsome, and witty he is… the way his hair always looks so perfectly messy….

And (much to my horror, in retrospect) _I didn't beat the thoughts back_.

Now, I've thought about Potter on occasion – mostly about what an insufferable _git_ he is, but very occasionally, my thoughts have turned to what a great guy he is. I have, of course, attributed these ridiculous thoughts to moments of temporary delusion. But this time, I didn't attempt to deny my thoughts about him.

"James is so _perfect_, isn't he?" I asked suddenly to the ceiling, in what was undoubtedly a dazed and love-struck voice.

"You're _just_ realizing th—" Catherine stopped dead. "Did you just call him _James_?"

"Yes," I replied dreamily. "So?"

"_So?_ You haven't once called him James in the entire time we've been friends. Or called him _perfect_ for that matter," Catherine said, shocked. "So, either you've finally realized that you two are made for each other, or you've completely lost your mind," she stated matter-of-factly. "And I think the latter is _far_ more likely."

"WHAT?!" I nearly screamed, jumping up from my bed and running at my closest friend, whose bed stood across from mine in the circular room. "You think I'd have to LOSE my MIND to be in love with James? Well, for your information, my mental condition is perfectly stable!"

Calming down slightly, I walked back to the other side of the room, fists clenched. As I threw myself on my bed, I could have sworn I heard Catherine whisper to a just-waking Elizabeth, "Lily's gone mad."

* * *

More Author's Notes: Tee hee. Bet you can't guess what type of muffin it was -sarcasm-. Anyway, please review! If you don't, I will send my army of evil invisible squirrels to attack you in your sleep -cackle-

I also feel inclined to point out that I got the "Good? Bad? Poisoned? Delicious?" thing from 'The Muffinless' at muffinfilms dot com. Officially the coolest website ever xD


	2. In Which it All Goes Wrong

Author's Notes: So here it is, the second chapter of I Blame the Muffin. Sorry it's a bit late; I know I promised the 26th, but I got back later than I had expected last night (I was away, you see), and I wasn't in the mood to type ten handwritten pages. Anyway, James feels just a _bit_ out of character in this chapter; don't kill me for it, I did my best. Well… I guess that's about it. Enjoy!

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**I Blame the Muffin  
Chapter 2: In Which it All Goes Wrong**

An hour later, I was sitting in the grass by the lake, staring at Potter, who sat a hundred yards away. He was talking animatedly to those _horrid_ friends of his – well, I didn't think them to be horrid at the time; I actually thought they had rather good taste in a leader of sorts. He looked so perfect, casually leaning back, one arm supporting him as he ruffled his hair with the other. He'd mostly grown out of the habit, but on occasion he'd run his hand through his hair, _perfecting_ it….

"Lily!" Elizabeth brought me back to earth. "You're staring at… _Potter_." She shuddered.

"I told you she's lost it," Catherine said in an audible whisper.

"What's wrong with staring at James?" I asked angrily. "He's so… perfectly perfect." I sighed dreamily.

"I was under the impression that the day I heard you say anything that _stupid_ about anyone, especially Potter, would be the day that the sky fell," Elizabeth muttered. "So I'm a bit worried for my life now."

I didn't respond, I only continued to stare unwaveringly at the black-haired boy with hazel eyes sitting across the way.

"He's so _handsome_, isn't he?" I asked aloud after a few minutes. "Imagine how unbelievably _gorgeous_ our children will be…."

"WHAT?!" Catherine and Elizabeth exclaimed – and in perfect union, I might add.

"Did you just imply—" Elizabeth stopped, seemingly unable to continue.

"Did you just imply procreating with your sworn arch-enemy?" Catherine provided, choking.

"Yes…" I replied. I flopped down onto the grass, day dreaming about things I would most certainly _not_ be daydreaming about under any relatively-normal circumstances. But, as you may have guessed, this circumstance was nowhere near normal.

"Oh no. He's coming over here!" Elizabeth shrieked after a few minutes.

"Uh-oh. He can't see Lily in this state! He'll be sure to tell the entire school by the end of the day that she's fallen madly, obsessively in love with him. Lily'll have to transfer to Beauxbatons!" said Catherine, a note of panic in her voice. Had I been in a capable intellectual state at the time, I probably would have thanked her for sounding so genuinely concerned, but I of course was not, so I didn't.

I heard Potter's footsteps coming, and I snapped back into a sitting position. When he reached us, he stopped and sat down next to me, closer than I would have normally considered comfortable.

"Hey Evans. How's your Saturday been?" he asked casually, ruffling his hair.

Once I came out of my gaping stare at his gorgeous hazel eyes, I managed to squeak, "Good." I fixed my hair nervously, wondering what he must think.

"So, Evans, I was wondering if you'd like to hang out a bit today. It's not a Hogsmeade weekend, I know, but we could still have a bit of fun," he said, smiling.

I could have sworn I was drooling like a newborn who hadn't yet figured out how to swallow as I said, "Sure." _Why can't I say anything more than one-word sentences?_ I thought, mentally slapping myself. _He must think I'm such an idiot_.

"It's settled, then," he said charmingly, standing up. "I'll go tell my friends where I'm off to, and I'll be back in a minute." He flashed me an absolutely _dazzling_ (or so I thought at the time) grin before striding away.

"Are you _completely_ insane?" Catherine hissed as so as Potter was a safe distance away.

"No…" I replied dreamily, staring at Potter as he greeted his friends.

"You've just agreed to a date with… _Potter_," said Elizabeth with a shutter. "Remember him? The prat? Your sworn enemy? The one you've hated with every ounce of your being since the second you set eyes on him?"

"How could anyone hate _James_?" I asked dreamily, as though it were impossible not to. "I mean – _look_ at him. If that's not perfect, I don't know what is."

"You've lost your mind, Lily, I swear," muttered Catherine, shaking her head sadly.

At that moment, Potter returned. "Er… shall we go, then?" he asked, almost uncertainly.

"_Yes_," I sighed, sounding rather like a love-struck puppy.

He offered me his arm, and I stood up, taking it willingly. We started walking, away from my friends and away from anything relatively sane.

"So, what would you like to do on this _fine_ Saturday afternoon?" he asked, sounding so incredibly, wonderfully charming.

"I don't know, what would you like to do?" I asked. I was drooling over him, my eyes not once leaving his perfect, handsome face. Meanwhile, as I was hopelessly melting into Potter, he just grinned like an idiot.

"Let's go get some lunch, then, and we'll decide later." I nodded weekly.

We walked in silence towards the castle, as I continued to drool over him. (Surprise, surprise. It _was_ what I had been doing the entire day, after all.) We'd reached the Great Hall in five minutes' time.

Sitting down next to me at the Gryffindor table, Potter asked with a knowing smile, "So, why'd you finally decided to go out with me, Evans? Given in to the Potter Charm at long last?" He smirked.

"_Yes_. You're so handsome and funny and witty and intelligent and… _perfect_," I gushed. This, ladies and gentlemen, successfully tops the list of Stupidest Things Ever Uttered by Lily Evans at Any Time. (And that _includes_ "Mommy, where do babies come from?" when I was seven.)

Potter grinned sheepishly, ruffling his hair.

During the rest of the meal I just stared at him, my head propped up by my arm, barely touching my food.

"Hey!" he exclaimed when he'd finished eating. "I've got something I want to show you." He set his napkin down, grabbed my hand, and pulled me out of the Great Hall. I squeezed his hand like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

"James… why are we standing in from of a statue of a one-eyed witch?" 

"You'll see," he replied, grinning. He pulled his wand out of his robes, tapping the one-eyed witch with his wand and muttering "_Dissendium_" as he did so. The statue's hump slid open to reveal an opening, large enough for a person to fit in.

"It's _so_ amazing how you know all these secret passages, James," I gushed, still clutching his hand.

And – surprise, surprise – he didn't respond, he just grinned like a madman.

After a moment, he let go of my hand. "We'll have to go one at a time. You can go first, if you'd like," he said.

"Er… alright, then," I replied nervously. I pulled myself up, and slid into the tunnel feet first. I fell for what felt like an eternity, supported by a stone slide beneath me. At long last, I came to a stop, landing on the cold, damp earth of the passageway with a thud. James followed not long after.

"_Lumos_," he muttered when he'd stood up. A narrow tunnel lay before us. "We're going to have to go single-file, of course. But we can both use" – he fumbled with the clasp of his bag, pulling out a long slivery cloak – "this."

"An Invisibility Cloak!" I gasped. "You're really something, James," I said, grabbing his hand again and leaning against his shoulder.

He glanced at me almost… _nervously_? Then he said, "We've got to put this on so that no one can see us when we get to the other end of the tunnel." And with that, he threw the cloak over us. It was a tight squeeze, but in my state I wished it was tighter.

"Alright, let's go, then." We set of down the tunnel, Potter but a few inches in front of me.

It was a rather long journey, and I wondered where he might be taking me. However, I realized that Potter wanted it kept secret until we arrived, so instead I asked, "Where did you get your Indivisibility Cloak, James?"

"My father," he murmured. "He… died… in the war against Voldemort. He was an Auror, see."

"Oh, James!" I cried, running around to his front and throwing myself into his startled arms. "I'm so sorry," I whispered in his ear.

"It's okay," he replied. "It was a few summers ago. I'm over it."

"Okay," I said, sniffling a bit. Potter's father dying was like _my_ father dying (or so it seemed at the time).

I let go of him rather reluctantly. I felt like I could stay in his arms forever; but he had a surprise to show me, so I moved back to my spot behind him and we continued walking.

"Well, this is our stop!" said Potter brightly, after what seemed like an hour or more of walking. We were standing in front of a set of stone steps that lead up farther than I could see. "Up we go, then," he muttered as we began to climb.

We climbed those steps for an eternity, it seemed like, and then, at long last, the steps stopped, and above Potter's head I could see a trapdoor. He carefully pushed the trapdoor open and stepped out; I followed.

"Oh, _wow_! We're in the storeroom of Honeydukes!" I exclaimed, grabbing his hand again and squeezing tightly.

"We've got to be quiet," he whispered, leading me through the storeroom into the shop itself. We waited by the door until, after what seemed like ages, a plump witch in very bright pink robes waddled in and we were able to carefully slip out through the open door.

Whipping off the Invisibility Cloak, Potter took a deep breath of fresh air, exhaling with a loud, "Aaaah!"

"There's nothing like Hogsmeade on a non-Hogsmeade weekend!"

"No, there's not…" I sighed, staring at him.

"To the Three Broomsticks, then?" he asked brightly. I nodded, and we set off down the street.

* * *

Several hours later, after a wonderful time at the Three Broomsticks, Zonko's, and of course, Honeydukes, we arrived at the Fat Lady, still laughing. 

"Password?" she asked.

"Amortentia," Potter replied promptly, and she swung forward to admit us. We entered to find the common room completely deserted.

"Everyone must still be at dinner," said Potter. "Want to go back downstairs and join the others?"

"No," I replied, "I'd much rather stay here with you." I grinned mischievously, sitting down on the couch.

"Alright," he said, walking over and taking a seat next to me.

"I've had a _great_ day, James," I murmured, "but do you know what would make it better?"

"What?"

"This," I responded confidently, placing my hands on my knees and leaning over to kiss him.

Fasten your seat belts, children, for this is when it all goes wrong.

He was surprised at first, I could tell, but in a few seconds he began to kiss me back. I wrapped my arms around my neck, and his encircled my waist, pulling me closer so that I was lying on top of him. I allowed his tongue to enter my mouth, and we lay there on the couch, wrapped in each others arms and snogging happily for quite a while.

And then, realization dawned on me. _I_ was making out with _Potter_. Not only was it unnatural, but it was downright disgusting! _The muffin_, I thought vaguely. _The muffin had something to do with this_. I was just about to pull away from him when the portrait hole opened and someone entered the room.

* * *

More Author's Notes: Dun dun dun! Cliffhanger ending ;D I feel so evil. Anyway, I hope you liked it! Don't forget to review; I'll love you forever if you do. Er… well, probably not, but I'll be extremely grateful. 

Anyway, just so you should know, this fic takes place in sixth year. Just thought I'd mention that. (It'll make a bit more sense in the next chapter why I decided they should be in sixth year rather than seventh.)


	3. I Could Kill You, Potter!

Author's Note: So here it is, the final chapter of I Blame the Muffin. I'm actually really sad to be finishing this fic… it's been my favorite so far out of all 3 ½ fics I've written xD So, anyway, I hope you enjoy it! Oh and just a note: the use of present tense in this chapter rather than past tense (like in the first two chapters) is intentional. -pokes first paragraph of fic-

* * *

**I Blame the Muffin  
Chapter 3: I Could Kill You, Potter!**

So there you have it. Here I am, laying on top of Potter on the common room couch, wrapped up in his arms, as Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew stand in front of the portrait hole, gaping.

"Th-this isn't what it looks like!" I cry, jumping off Potter and straightening out my robes.

"Uhh.. it looks like you were in the middle of a _mad_ snogging session with my mate Prongs here," says Black, arms crossed.

"Alright, it's _exactly_ what it looks like," I admit as I straighten my hair. "But it wasn't my fault!" I exclaim. "I-I-I couldn't control myself!" Black raises an eyebrow, smirking.

Potter looks uneasy as he sits up on the couch. "Oh… yeah. About that…."

"See, Lily… I'm not really sure how to say this, but… James, Sirius, Peter, and I made a love potion last night," says Lupin, his eyes on the floor.

"Oh?" I ask, placing my hands on my hips and arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah, and we went down to the kitchens and… put it in the muffin that James gave you this morning."

I had suspected as much, but that doesn't stop me from completely exploding.

"WHAT?!" I shout. "You put LOVE POTION in my MUFFIN?! I could kill you, Potter!" I scream hysterically, whipping around to face him. He cowers slightly under my death glare.

"If it helps, you're a really good kisser," he says nervously, attempting a grin.

"UGH!" I scream, slapping him across the face with all the strength I can muster. "You're such an immature, desperate, disrespectful, rude, insensitive PRAT, James Potter! I never want to see your revolting face ever again!" And with that, I storm upstairs to the girls' dormitory, slamming the door behind me.

"UGH!" I shout as I hurl my pillow the room. I crash onto my bed and lean up against the headboard, crossing my arms and glaring at the door.

After several minutes of this, I hear footsteps on the stairs, and the door opens to reveal a frantic Catherine and Elizabeth Lewis.

"Lily! We just got back from dinner—" breathes Catherine.

"—we came into the common room—"

"—Potter and his cronies—"

"—said you were upstairs—"

"—what happened?" finishes Elizabeth.

I take a deep breath, and start from the beginning: Potter forcing me to eat the muffin, our date in Hogsmeade, and – I thought I might throw up during this part – Potter and I snogging on the common room couch while everyone was at dinner, and how everything finally came out.

They stare at me for a moment or two, then Elizabeth murmurs, "You _made out_ with him? Poor thing. I feel sorry for you. Drink lots of water, maybe you'll be able to cleanse your mouth." I raise my eyebrows. "Just trying to be helpful!" she says defensively.

"I'm so sorry, Lils," says Catherine, patting my shoulder. "We figured it might be something like that – the love potion, I mean. We'll help you strike revenge if you'd like."

"Oh, yes we will," says Elizabeth. "How I'd _love_ to get my hands around that disgusting git's neck—"

"Elizabeth!" exclaims Catherine! "We don't want to _hurt_ him! We just want to embarrass him so much that he decides that he'd do much better at a school in Brazil." She grins.

"Thanks, you guys," I say appreciatively, seizing the twins in a group hug. After a few moments, I pull away. "So, let's get started on those revenge plans, shall we?"

* * *

The next morning comes soon, and Catherine, Elizabeth and I wake up bright and early to carry out our plot to embarrass Potter so much that he wants to go into hiding in the Black Lake until term ends, then move to Guatemala. (Much to my dismay, Catherine deemed just _Avada Kedavra_ing him to be too extreme.) 

"Don't you think our plan might be a little too…_harsh_?" asks Catherine as she pulls on her robes.

I narrow my eyes. "_Nothing_ is too harsh for Potter," I reply.

"Okay Lils, if you say so," mutters Elizabeth, slinging her bag over her shoulder and running a hand through her long dirty-blonde hair.

We finish dressing, and set off down the stairs.

"Oh, we're going to _get_ Potter today, aren't we?" I say with relish, rubbing my hands together. "That good-for-nothing prat is finally going to get a taste of his own potion."

"Lily, I think you might be taking this a bit _too_ seriously," remarks Elizabeth worriedly.

"Yeah, Lils, it doesn't seem healthy," says Catherine, frowning slightly.

"Well, snogging Potter for ten minutes straight isn't healthy, either," I reply darkly.

"And that helps your case _how_, exactly?" she asks, raising her eyebrows.

"I'd like to see you try without going a bit insane, too!" I respond indignantly.k,m

"I think I'll take your word for it, thanks," Elizabeth says hurriedly.

We walk down the rest of the way in silence, each silently reviewing our role in the Demise of James Potter (or at least the chain of events that will hopefully lead up to said demise).

We reach the Great hall to find Potter and Company already seated at the Gryffindor table, drinking orange juice huddled around Lupin's copy of the Daily Prophet. _Perfect_.

"Alright, you know what to do," I say, bringing Catherine and Elizabeth into a group huddled. "Is everything set up?" They both nod. "Okay then. On the count of three, we'll set the plan in motion."

"One…" I hiss as we approach the table, "two…." And then…

"Evans, wait!"

"What are you talking about, Potter?" I growl, reaching the table and sitting down across from him. Catherine and Elizabeth follow suit and sit down next to me. _We've missed our opportune moment as it is_, I think sourly. _Might as well give him the chance to make a last request now_.

"If I know you at all, you've probably got some elaborate scheme up your sleeve to avenge the… well, just yesterday in general," he begins. "So just listen to me before you go through with it.

"Fine," I reply grudgingly.

"First and foremost, I feel I ought to apologize for what we" – Black and Lupin glare at him – "alright, what _I_ did yesterday. You were absolutely right. It was immature and inconsiderate of me, and I can't express how sorry I am," he says, sounding frighteningly sincere.

"I'm listening."

"Second, I think I should tell you _why_, exactly, I did what I did. I just… I care so much about you, Lily – seriously, I do," he says, seeing the skeptical look on my face. "And… I just thought that if I gave you that love potion, you see just how much I care about you, and maybe you'd fall for me just I have for you." He sighs. "Not a very well-thought out plan, I realize."

I think about that for a minute, then reply, "But that still doesn't excuse you from _using_ me. You kissed me knowing full well that I wouldn't object."

"Ah, but Ms. Evans," he responds, a smile creeping over his face, "it was _you_ that initiated the kiss, remember?"

I smile before I can stop myself. "Touché, Potter."

"So are we friends?" he asks after a pause, looking hopeful.

"I don't know…." I reply uncertainly. _He _used_ me_, a part of me thinks. _I can't forgive him for that. Not now and not ever!_ But another voice in my head switches on. _But he had good intentions, and he sounded so sincere_, it says. _He truly cares about you_. I sigh. "Alright, I guess we're friends. Not good friends, mind you, and I don't completely forgive you, either," I say, seeing his triumphant expression. "Friends in the _loosest_ possible meaning of the word." I pause. "Just promise me one thing."

"Anything."

"_Never_ put love potion in my muffin ever again," I say, grinning.

"Of course, Lily," he replies, returning the grin. "Bagels, maybe," he adds in an undertone. I kick him hard for that.

* * *

More Author's Notes: So there it is. 25 handwritten pages. The longest story I've ever written, fanfiction or not xD Now you see why it had to take place in sixth year, right? I don't think Lily could ever _fully_ forgive him by the end of the year if it had taken place in seventh year. Anyway… I guess that's it. -sniff- Now I'm going to work on _Lay Under the Stars With Me_, and then I'm going to have to think of more ideas. -gasp- Thank you to everyone for reading, and please review to tell me what you thought of the ending! Until next time! –Magical Moo 


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